


Dear Darlin'

by local_troubled_writer



Series: Somewhere Between New York and Madrid [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Exes to Lovers, Get your tissues ready, Getting Back Together, Harry Styles: Live On Tour, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Madison Square Garden night 1 and 2, Minor Anxiety, Song Lyrics, heartbreak on anniversaries, kendall jenner is here for like a half a second, mentions of past breakups, no beta we die like men, talk of getting back together, this one is really gonna hurt folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/local_troubled_writer/pseuds/local_troubled_writer
Summary: Nine months after the love of his life shattered him into a million pieces, Harry is back in New York. He is nowhere near ready for what the night has in store for him.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: Somewhere Between New York and Madrid [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974862
Comments: 7
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not based on actual performance. I just thought about how destroyed I would be if it was, so I wrote it.  
> Have fun.  
> Grab your tissues.

Harry’s hands were shaking, clutching the plastic water bottle to his chest and nodding along as his manager told him something relatively unimportant.

Sarah squeezed past him in the hallway, warmly squeezing his elbow and shooting him a smile as she passed. Harry’s stage manager made his way over to them, a slightly apologetic look on his face.

“Five minutes, yeah?” The stage manager called out as he walked past Harry to the dressing room. Harry gave a nod of confirmation which affectively ended the conversation with Jeff. The last notes of Kacey’s last song floated into his ears before he shoved his in-ear monitors in, gathering the rest of his band just offstage.

Adam was giving out double high fives, his pre-show ritual and Harry cracked an in-ear to hear the tail end of what Sarah was saying. She knew what this night was going to be for him and her soft smiles weren’t helping his nerves. It was his first night playing in New York since it had happened and it felt so fresh, even though it was nine months ago.

Kacey and her band filtered backstage after their set ended, and Harry’s band slowly took their places. His hands didn’t stop shaking as he strode out on stage, hiding behind the screens as the opening choir of Only Angel flooded the arena, and screams rang out. Harry pasted his best show smile on his face and tried to lose himself in the music as the screens rose and Harry could finally see the audience. It was easy enough to lose himself in the first few songs, dancing around the stage and reading funny signs his fans held up. The part that he dreaded was dead in the middle of the show, between Meet Me in the Hallway and Sweet Creature.

Two songs about him.

Tonight, as a special “fuck you” to the universe and especially Harry’s mental state, Harry had requested to add a new song in between them.

“Erm, this next song is not by me, nor was it written by me but it’s something I need to get off my chest.” Harry felt the warm blush crawling up his neck and he hoped that it was masked by his exertion flushed cheeks and the sweat dripping down his forehead. “This is Dear Darlin’.”

The band struck up the starting chords and Harry almost couldn’t get the words out.

 _'“Dear Darlin’, please excuse my writing/ I can’t stop my hands from shaking”'_ Harry squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears burning hot at the back of his eyes to go away. He blinked his eyes open to see the arena covered in swaying white lights. _'“Cause I’m cold and alone tonight.”'_ He took a tentative step away for a second, trying to pull his thoughts back from the edge.

 _'“I miss you and nothing hurts like no you/ and no one understands what we went through.”'_ Louis had been there through everything with Harry, from the very beginning of One Direction to losing Robin. It still felt like it wasn’t real and it hurt to think that support was gone, let alone think of the last near-decade of his life, loving someone who didn’t love him anymore.

 _'“It was short, it was sweet, we tried.”'_ Harry’s voice broke on the last line, and the hot tears that he had tried banish made a reappearance, spilling over his cheeks. Louis was the person Harry had thought he was going to spend forever with. They had gotten through so much together, it felt like they were bulletproof. Rationally, Harry knew that they hadn’t been.

 _'“And if my words break through the wall/ And meet you at your door/ All I could say is that I mean them all.”'_ Harry’s eyes squeezed shut again. He could just see the headlines tomorrow, ‘Harry Styles has a breakdown at MSG after emotional song’. He could see the notifications popping up on his Twitter feed, phone calls from his mum and Gemma, texts from his friends. Simultaneously hoping that one notification never came, but that he would try to reach out all the same.

 _'“Dear Darlin’, please excuse my writing/ I can’t stop my hands from shaking/ Cause I’m cold and alone tonight.”'_ The music swelled behind him and his shaking hands gripped the mic stand harder, attempting to ground himself to the stage by force. The tears were coming faster now and Harry absently wondered how he was still getting the words out.

 _'“I miss you and nothing hurts like no you.”'_ Harry could see that day in New York almost 9 months ago like it was yesterday. September 27th, the day before their anniversary. Louis was flying in for the show and then flying out to LA for some promo obligation. Harry and his team had gotten in from the Chicago show just a few hours and were killing time in his apartment by discussing the rest of the tour when a knock sounded through the room. His team quickly packed up because they all knew what this was for him. This was the only show Louis would be able to see on the US leg of the tour and New York had always been a special place for them.

His hands shook with excitement as he wrenched the door open, his eyes landing on a member of his security team that he sent to the airport to pick up Lou. “Where is he?” He asked, brows furrowing in confusion.

“His flight came and went and he never got off the plane. I waited for two more flights just in case he got lost or got food but he never showed. I’m sorry, Harry. I don’t have him.” The rustling of people behind him alerted him that there were still people in his apartment but this news sent his heart plummeting through his chest like someone had tied a cinderblock to it and dropped it in Marianna’s trench.

“Thanks, Martin,” he mumbled quietly and he couldn’t acknowledge his team as they shuffled past him, shooting worried looks between them until he was alone. He let the door slam close and could barely notice that his feet were moving towards the bed. He clicked on Lou’s contact, hoping that there was some logical reason that he hadn’t shown up in New York.

The call went straight to voicemail.

 _'“And no one understands what we went through/ It was short, it was sweet, we tried/ We tried.”'_ Nothing about singing this song was a good idea but it felt good to get it off his chest. He chanced a look at the crowd and he could see the tears on some of their faces.

 _'“Been thinkin' about the bar we drank in/ Feeling like the sofa was sinking/ I was warm in the hope of your eyes.”'_ The words instantly transported him back to the pub in their neighborhood that they were regulars at, having become good enough friends with the staff that they knew to keep their mouths shut. It felt like just another hole in the wall pub with a darts and pool and a few couches that were definitely broken because they practically sank through them when they sat in them for longer than 5 minutes.

They had gotten a little too drunk and a little too handsy on those couches more than once, having had to sober up in a backroom before stumbling home separately, lest anyone think they were actually at a bar drinking together. Those nights were some of his favorite memories. Harry felt like he could conquer anything as long as he had Louis at his side. His hope for their life together resided entirely with Louis, knowing that he was the one who kept them together when it felt like too much.

 _'"So, if my words break through the wall/ To meet you at your door/ All I could say is that I mean them all.”'_ There was something so freeing about being able to sing this to thousands of people, to be able to do this and not give a single shit about the repercussions he would no doubt face. It was something that no amount of therapy could ever do for him, an undeniable catharsis for all the bullshit he’d been forced through over the years. All the PR dates and every shit thing that their management forced on them to try to keep them in line with their narrative. It felt like his final goodbye to over half of a decade of love.

 _'“Dear Darlin’, please excuse my writing/ I can’t stop my hands from shaking/ Cause I’m cold and alone tonight.” '_ As the chorus came back around, Harry chanced a look back at Mitch. Though he couldn’t say anything now, he knew Mitch had his back, no matter what. Just like he had back in September when Harry hadn’t heard from Louis in almost 2 days, spending their anniversary alone in his apartment, waiting for him to call or show up or give him some sign of life.

 _'“I miss you and nothing hurts like no you.”'_ It was like a punch to the gut. Harry had just fallen asleep after the show, the red numbers on his alarm clock telling him that it was just past 2 am when his phone rang.

“Hello?” Harry asked, pulling the phone up to his ear, not moving a muscle.

“Hi H.” Lou’s voice was a little tinny over the line but it was Louis and that thought alone made Harry want to cry. Harry sat straight up in bed, pulling the comforter tighter around him.

“Where are you? Why aren’t you here? You missed your flight,” and our anniversary Harry added silently.

“H, listen-”

“Did something happen with one of the girls? Is everything okay? Are you ok-”

“Harry, let me get this out, okay? Jesus.” Harry went quiet in his bed, pulling at the loose thread in one of the sheets. “Everything is fine, all the girls are fine.” He could hear Louis take a shaky breath. “I missed my flight on purpose.” Harry’s blood ran cold.

“You missed our anniversary,” Harry whispered and he heard Lou suck in a sharp breath.

“That’s why I’m calling now.”

“You don’t sound happy.” It felt like Harry couldn’t raise his voice past a whisper. If he didn’t speak louder, maybe what he thought was happening would stop.

“H-”

“No, you don’t get to miss your flight out to see me on our goddamn anniversary and then call me at 2 am and not sound happy. I waited all goddamn day for you Lou. You didn’t show up for me.” Louis let out a deep breath.

“I know I didn’t. But I felt like I wouldn’t be able to keep my resolve if I saw you and got to hold you and kiss you and I- I need to be able to do this.”

There were tears burning hot behind his eyes as he shakily asked, “What are you talking about Lou?”

“H, I can’t do this anymore.” It hit Harry like a ton of bricks, sucking all the wind out of his lungs and he could feel his world slipping off its axis.

“What do you mean,” Harry’s voice was shaking and thick with unshed tears.

I can’t keep pretending everything is fine when it’s not. I love you so much Harry, you’re the love of my life, but I can’t keep doing this. You are freer than I’ve ever seen you and I’m holding you back, love. You’ve outgrown me.”

“Lou, where is this coming from?” This time, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling, tracing hot lines down his face.

“I’ve been thinking about it. You don’t need me anymore, love.” Harry could hear the sadness in Louis’s voice and it made him want to punch a wall.

“That’s not true,” Harry choked out. “I always need you. Why are you doing this? I don’t understand!” Harry sobbed, pulling the sheets up to cover him as he flopped back on the bed to have a proper sob.

“I have to let you go Harry.”

“No, Louis, please. Just tell me why. Do you not love me anymore?” Louis’s choked sob sounded far away on the line but it didn’t stop Harry from hearing it.

“Of course, I still love you, you daft idiot. I’m doing this for you. I’ll probably love you until the day I die and every day after that too.” Louis laughed wetly. Harry’s heart absolutely shattered into a million pieces, scattering to the far corners of the Earth, reaching every place they’d ever been together. Everywhere had been tainted by them. Harry could feel Louis slipping through his fingers and he was trying desperately to hold onto him, anything to keep him by his side. He tried to memorize the sound of Louis’s cries, as stupid as that was, just so he could remember this moment in excruciating detail. “I have to go, Harry,”

“Please don’t leave me,”

“I’m sorry, H. I really am.” The line clicked off and Harry sat up and threw his phone at the wall, not caring about his neighbors or the fact that it was nearly 2:30 in the morning. His heart was broken, fuck everything else.

He fell asleep crying that night. And almost every night for 3 months after.

When he emerged from his apartment the following morning with puffy, red eyes, dark circles, and looking every bit the shattered man that he was, no one said a word. Mitch and Sarah stuck to him like glue that day and almost every day afterward, neither of them seemed ready to leave Harry alone for very long.

 _'“And no one understands what we went through/ It was short, it was sweet, we tried.”'_ Harry caught Mitch’s gaze as he turned away from the mic to wipe under his eyes and Mitch’s minuscule nod of ‘you can do this’ almost made Harry unable to finish the song.

 _'“Oh, I can't cope/ These arms are yours to hold.”'_ The audience was screaming along at this point, letting Harry off the hook and hopefully covered up the weakness in his voice. Harry had fallen into a bender after Louis had left him, drinking too much alone in his hotel rooms. If having Louis break his heart over the phone -the fucking phone- hurt, then arriving at his house in London felt like someone had literally stolen his heart from his chest.

 _'"And I miss you and nothing hurts like no you.”'_ The house had immediately felt too empty. Louis’s shoes weren’t piled by the door and the clothes that Harry had left in his closet hung limply, taking up barely half of the closet. His footie kit was missing from the hall closet, his toothbrush wasn’t in its normal spot by the sink and the most obvious thing was the lack of sound from anywhere in the house. No music, no light snores, no arguing, no sound of Clifford’s little paws pattering around, no singing, and definitely no Louis. Little mementos from their relationship had all ended up in a drawer that Louis had cleared out as he left.

And because Harry was truly a masochist, he left the pictures of them up on the walls.

 _'“And no one understands what we went through/ It was short, it was sweet, we tried.”'_ Harry almost couldn’t hear himself over the crowd and the tears that had been steadily streaming down his face since the beginning of the song were not helping those screaming in sympathy.

 _'“We tried.”'_ The last notes of the song rang out and Harry turned upstage, practically collapsing into Mitch’s arms who had put his guitar down just in time. Someone backstage had the presence of mind to shut all the mics off onstage so that no one but the people in the front row would hear him crying and then again, maybe they couldn’t either. Harry could feel the rest of his band circling around him, adding their arms to the hug and inadvertently providing him with a human shield. They quickly shuffled him offstage to the distressed cries of the crowd.

There were sure to be headlines tomorrow.

The lights went down on stage and the crowd kept getting louder, distress and confusion echoing through the arena.

“Harry? Are you okay?” His manager fought his way into their little huddle, planting his hands on Harry’s knees and squatting down in front of him to look at his face. A brief shake of his head was all that his manager needed. “How much time do you need? Is 5 minutes enough?” A minuscule nod. “Okay, we can do that.” No one moved for the next 5 minutes, just letting Harry get his head together enough to make it through the rest of the show. His breathing eventually slowed enough to be deemed regular and someone shoved a bottle of water in his hand, forcing him to drink at least half of it before going back out on stage.

As soon as his band started retaking their positions by their instruments, people were clued into what was going on. As soon as Harry was visible to the audience, the screams were eardrum-shattering. “Hi, friends. Sorry about that. Let’s do Sweet Creature, yeah?” Harry asks, smiling at the audience as he is handed his guitar and starts to head towards the B-stage. Fans were reaching out to him as he walked out and he smiled for pictures, shook hands, and altogether tried to make it to the B-stage in one piece. A sound tech hooked up his guitar and gave him a thumbs up.

“So, I wrote this song in 2015, sing along if you know the words please.” Sweet Creature was always an easy song to get through, no matter how he was feeling. It was like a warm hug and he could hyper-focus on someone in the crowd, momentarily pretending they were who he had written about.

Scanning the arena for someone to sing to, his eyes caught on a very familiar shape.

But he couldn’t be here, that would be ridiculous.

And yet, there he was, sitting in a VIP box by himself, with just one security guy, was Louis. The very man who had broken Harry’s heart 9 months ago.

Harry swallowed hard and tried to look away but he’d been caught. The opening chords flew out from his fingers and he started singing, practically unable to look away. He had barely gotten to the second verse when he saw Louis wipe under his eyes. Harry tried to avert his eyes as quickly as possible, somehow feeling like he was intruding on a private moment.

The rest of the concert was spent trying to look anywhere but that VIP box, steadfastly ignoring Louis as he interacted with his fans and gave his all to the performance. The audience didn’t deserve a subpar show just because Harry was distracted. When Sign of the Times ended, Harry ran backstage and straight into his manager.

“He’s here. Louis is here. Why the fuck didn’t we know about it?” Harry demanded, running his hands through his hair, pulling on the ends.

“Who’s here?” Sarah asked between large gulps of water.

“Louis,” Harry responded tightly. Sarah choked on her water and Mitch patted her on the back as she tried to catch her breath. “He has a whole VIP box to himself and I find it hard to believe we didn’t know about it before.”

“I had no idea that he was here Harry. But you have three songs left and then the show is done, okay? Just go out there and finish the show. We can deal with the Louis-pocolypse later, alright?” Jeff placed his hands on Harry’s shoulders, spinning him around and pushing him back out. The encore went fast, the high energy of the crowd pulling him through the end of the show. Kiwi was as fun as it ever was and it was easy to direct his energy into the song, pulling all his anger at Louis showing up here into the performance.

“Oh, I think she said “I’m having your baby, it's none of your business”.” Harry looked up at the VIP box, staring Louis down. It felt like a release for Harry, letting those lyrics fly. The crowds always loved Kiwi and he wasn’t one to let down the crowd with a favorite.

Faster than he would have liked, the show was over and he was being ushered out of Madison Square Garden and into a black car which would take him to his apartment in the city.

Sitting in the back of a silent car, it hit Harry what had actually happened. Louis had been in the crowd. He had witnessed his breakdown on stage, singing a song about him. His driver wasn’t in much of a chatty mood tonight and Harry was grateful for the peace and quiet to gather his thoughts on the whole thing. It all felt like a bad dream, like he would wake up tomorrow morning and it would be the 27th of September again and the last 9 months would wash away under a flood of kisses from Louis and the warm water of their shower.

But it was all real and Harry was yanked back from his thoughts when the car pulled up in front of his building. “Thank you,” he mumbled, ducking out of the car and keeping his head down as he tried to get into his apartment as fast as he could.

A warm shower and a good night’s sleep would hopefully clear the cotton from his head in regards to the events of the night. He just wanted to sleep away the memories, blacking them out from his mind.

Fate was not on his side, however, when his phone started to ring on the counter outside his shower. Harry, in his extreme reluctance to let anything shatter his peace, didn’t move a muscle from under the warm spray of the shower. That was until the fucker decided to call him for a second time. Harry sighed, turned off the shower, and grabbed his phone, and answered the call while wrapping a towel around himself.

“Yeah?” he answered gruffly, trying to convey his extreme displeasure at being disturbed.

“We got a heads up on the rag’s headlines for the morning. They’re not great. How do you want to proceed?” Jeff asked gently. Harry leaned up against his bathroom counter and let out a heavy sigh.

“If they ask about the song, tell them it was a band decision. If they ask about the whole breakdown thing, just say it was a minor panic attack. People know that I get them, it isn’t hard to believe.”

“Okay, we just wanted your input. How are you doing?” Jeff’s voice was kind but that didn’t mean Harry didn’t get the subtext.

“I’m peachy Jeff. The love of my life, who I haven’t seen in almost 10 months- by the way, saw me perform a song that couldn’t have been about anyone else and then saw me have a breakdown about it. Life’s great.”

“You know I’m always here for you H. You can always talk to me, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I do, thanks, Jeff.” Harry’s doorbell sounded throughout the apartment and he frowned. He sure as hell wasn’t expecting anyone and all he wanted was to fall into bed and forget the world. “I gotta go, someone’s at the door.”

“Call me tomorrow, yeah?”

“Sounds good, talk tomorrow.” Harry dropped the towel and quickly stepped into what was hopefully a semi-clean pair of boxers and slipped a t-shirt over his shoulders before hurrying to the door.

He made his first mistake by not checking the peephole to see who it was.

His second mistake was not slamming the door in his face.

“Hi,” Louis breathed out. “I knew you didn’t get rid of this place. You always did like New York.”

Seeing Louis in person, less than 5 feet away from him for the first time in almost a year was jarring. He looked the same, a little thinner but the same face, same jeans, same white shirt, same tattoos. Little different haircut but Louis always looked good. It was slightly infuriating.

“What are you doing here?” Harry rushed out, his voice hardening.

“I- I caught your show.” Louis looked more and more unsure as he stood in the hallway, rocking back on his heels.

“Yeah, I saw you. What are you doing here?” Harry asked again, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Look- can I come in? Let’s not have this conversation in front of your neighbors.” Harry relented and stood to the side, letting Louis into his apartment. “You haven’t changed anything.” Louis remarks quietly, taking in the darkened apartment.

“Yeah, well. I’ve been kind of busy. Wasn’t in the city for long enough to change anything the last time I was here. Had a show to put on, you know.” The dig was subtle but Harry could tell that Louis picked up on it.

“Right.” Louis looked down at his hands. “Could you put some trousers on? I don’t feel like this a conversation we should have while you’re in your pants.” Harry simply raised an eyebrow but nevertheless left and came back in a pair of soft grey sweats.

“Want a drink?” Harry asked, pulling a bottle of vodka and a few red bulls from the fridge. He could see Louis’ eyes light up curiously. “What? You weren’t the only one to drink red bull when we were dating.” Harry quickly mixed the drinks and shoved one across the counter at his ex. “And, it's not like I’ve had time to adjust my shopping list for when I’m here.” The look on Louis’ face dims and he looks down, tracing shapes into the condensation already forming on the glass.

“Look H-”

“Don’t. Don’t call me that. You lost that privilege when you shattered my heart into a million pieces nine months ago.” Harry took a long pull of his drink and winced; he had been a little heavy-handed on the vodka. Louis was trying to hide his crestfallen look behind his glass. They both needed the alcohol to get through this conversation. “You never answered me,” Harry says quietly once he had finished his drink. Louis looked up, looking slightly confused. “Why are you here?”

Louis laughed quietly, shifting on his feet. “I wanted to watch the love of my life perform and I was in the city.”

Harry felt shell-shocked. It had been so long since he had heard those words from his mouth. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would you have let me come if I had?” Louis laughed.

“Probably not,” Harry shrugged. Louis raised his eyebrows at him as if to say ‘See? I knew it.’ “So are we going to talk or…” He trailed off, trying not to look the shorter man in the eyes.

“I figured we should. At least about… what happened…” Louis was looking more and more unsure by the minute and some small, sick part of Harry was happy about that.

“You mean the show or the fact that you ended our 6-year relationship the day after our anniversary over the phone?” Harry asked, his face hardening. Louis had never looked more lost or sad than he did at that moment.

“Both?” He squeaked, turning away from Harry to sit on the couch. Once he was settled, he closed his eyes and laid his head on the back of the couch. “But I suppose its probably easier to start with the show.” Harry shrugged.

“The song was something that I wanted to do. Felt right to get it off my chest here, where it all happened.” Harry perched on the ledge in front of the fireplace, playing with his peace ring. He still hasn’t taken it off. It feels like his last piece of Louis that he could take on and off. Louis was literally inked into his body but having one tangible piece of him around always felt better.

“I don’t know how you made it through that song. I don’t think I could have made it past the first chorus.” Louis remarked, staring up at the ceiling.

“Certainly wasn’t a walk in the park, that’s for sure.” Louis nodded.

“Listen, Harry. I really am sorry.” Louis swallowed hard. “I thought I was doing what was best. I thought I was holding you back. I needed to get out of your way.” Harry valiantly tried to blink away his tears but a few strayed and streaked down his cheeks.

“I don’t know how you could have thought that. I wrote whole albums about you. You were the only thing keeping me together for a while. How you could have thought that you were holding me back is absolutely insane.” Harry replied thickly. “I just don’t understand how you could do that to me. To us.” Harry blinked and looked down, picking at his fingernails. “How could you not at least tell me in person?”

“I didn’t think I’d be able to go through with it if I was looking at you. I would’ve lost my nerve. I know it was shit the way I went about it but knowing that I was so close to losing you didn’t exactly put me in the right headspace.”

“But you weren’t close to losing me, Lou. I would follow you to the edge of the Earth. You’re the love of my life.”

“Harry-”

“No, Lou. You don’t get it. You’re it for me. I’m never going to get over you and there’s never going to be anyone else for me. But you made the decision, without me, that it was over. You never told me how you were feeling and you sure as hell never asked me how I felt about everything. You just decided and left. The only explanation is a bullshit one and you and I both know it.” The room fell quiet again, the two men digesting what just happened.

“You’re it for me too. Hell, you’ve been it for me since I first laid eyes on you. I was a goner as soon as I saw you.” This time, Harry could feel Louis looking at him. He looked up to meet the other’s blue eyes and his own pain mirrored back at him.

“How could you break us?” Harry all but whimpered, covering his face with his hands. He sank down onto the floor, pulling his knees into his chest.

A pair of too familiar arms wrapped around him and Harry wanted to shrug them off but the embrace was so comforting. “I didn’t want to,” Louis whispered. They sat on the floor, crying into each other until someone’s phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. Louis untangled himself from Harry and went to grab the phone. When he returned, he held out Harry’s phone to him, lit up with a notification.

It was a text from _'Sarah: Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?'_ He quickly shot back a reply and laid the phone face down on the floor next to him.

“Where do we go from here Lou?” This time it was Harry who couldn’t look him in the eyes, choosing to stare at the crease between his ceiling and the wall.

“Well, you can rest assured I’m not making a dumb mistake like letting you go again. That’s for goddamn sure.” Louis’s fingers under Harry’s chin forced him to look Louis in the eyes. “Never should have let you go in the first place.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison Square Garden, Night 2.  
> For the ending apartment scene: I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz.   
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grab your tissues, lets go!   
> Glad I finally got off my ass and finished writing this. Hope it was worth the wait.

_Previously…_

_“Where do we go from here Lou?” This time it was Harry who couldn’t look him in the eyes, choosing to stare at the crease between his ceiling and the wall._

_“Well, you can rest assured I’m not making a dumb mistake like letting you go again. That’s for goddamn sure.” Louis’s fingers under Harry’s chin forced him to look Louis in the eyes. “Never should have let you go in the first place.”_

PART TWO PART TWO PART TWO

A deep blush fought its way onto Harry’s face, crawling up his neck and across his cheeks. “What does that mean though?”

“You need an answer for everything?” Harry shot him a look, thumbs stilling on the phone screen, mid-answer Sarah’s follow up: **_He’s there? Are you sure you’re okay? Mitch and I can be there as soon as you need us._**

**_I’m fine S. Don’t worry. We’re just talking._ **

“To be honest, I don’t know what it means. I’d say, I know how I feel about you and I know how you feel about me but we’re just going to see where it goes. Is that enough for you?” Harry nods, the movement dislodging Louis’ fingers from his chin. “Good,” With that, Louis grabs Harry’s hands, pulling him up and flopping them back into the couch. They immediately fell back into their old habits and Harry felt a hot tear escape his eyes.

Holding Louis like this again felt like coming home.

That’s how they stayed for the rest of the night, cuddled up on what was decidedly a couch not big enough for both of them, talking and crying and drifting in and out of sleep.

A loud banging echoed through the apartment, startling both Harry and Louis off the couch, breathing hard and clutching their chests.

“Who the hell is at the door?” Louis asks, flopping down onto the floor, trying to slow his breathing.

“Haven’t a clue,” Harry replied as he got up to let whoever the hell it was in. “Who is it?”

“It's Sarah and Mitch. Let us in Harry.” Sarah called through the door, her voice firm.

“We brought bagels!” Mitch chimed in. Harry unlocked the door and opened it to look at two of his best friends with a cocked eyebrow.

“Did you have to make so much noise?”

“It’s 10:30 in the morning, Harry. We’ve been out here for 5 minutes. Started getting some strange looks from the neighbors. How did last night go? I feel like we need to talk-” Harry grabbed Sarah by her shoulders, trying to physically stop her from saying more.

“Sarah. He’s still here.” Harry whispered, shifting his eyes towards the living room where a distinctly Louis-shaped lump was curled up on the floor.

“What?” Sarah hissed, leaning into Harry’s grip.

“We fell asleep talking last night. It’s- Well it's not fine, but it might be on its way there.” Harry fought the smile that was creeping its way onto his face.

“Harry,” Mitch’s voice was low, deadly serious. “He smashed your heart into a million little pieces less than a year ago. Are you sure about this?” Mitch’s eyes search Harry’s face for any sense of doubt, fear, or sadness.

Last night had obviously not fixed them, not even close. But it had given them just enough to give Harry the tiniest flicker of hope.

“He’s the love of my life. I’d need about a million lifetimes to get over him in any meaningful way, Mitch. I can’t walk away from him this time just because he walked away from me before. That’s not how love works.”

Mitch nods and hands Harry the bag of bagels, plucking two coffees from the tray and handing the tray to Harry. Sarah watches the exchange, mouth hanging open.

“Is he serious?”

“Like a car crash, Sarah. Let’s go get breakfast and leave them to it, yeah?” Mitch steers his girlfriend out the door and when it finally clicks shut, Harry can feel Louis’ curious gaze on him.

“Bagel?” Harry asks, turning on his heel and setting both the bag and the tray on the counter. Louis apprehensively shrugs, settling himself on a stool. Harry shoves the bag over the counter to him and slides a coffee along as well, going to the fridge to grab the milk and sugar. The other man smiles appreciatively and adds both to his cup.

“Look, Haz. I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I did to you and to us, but I want you to know that I want us. I want to be out and I want to have you be by my side and I want to be able to love you, loudly and publicly.”

This confession stuns Harry into silence.

“I know that’s asking a lot and of course you’d have to clear it with your team but I’ve wanted out for a while and I was so stupid in letting you go before and I’ll be damned if I do it again.”

“Louis- You don’t have to do this for me,” Harry whispers, eyes wide and looking so much like the 16-year-old boy that Louis fell in love with.

“It’s for me, I swear. The plus is that you might be with me.” Louis adds quietly, picking at the seam in the cardboard cup. Harry sets his own cup down on the counter he had been leaning against and tried to take measured, even strides over to Louis. He looked up, clearly startled as Harry took his face in his hands, the nail polish on his fingernails chipped slightly. Harry’s thumbs traced light circles in Louis’ cheekbones, searching Louis’ eyes for any trace of doubt or insincerity.

Finding none, Harry let loose the question that had been resting on the tip of his tongue. “Do you mean that? You’re really coming out?”

Louis nods minutely, “The wheels are already in motion.” Harry surges forward, capturing Louis’ lips with his own and Harry could honestly cry; just the feeling of Louis’ lips on his after so long felt like some of his broken pieces were slotting back into place.

They only pulled apart when it was clear they both needed air, and that’s when Harry noticed that they both had shed a few tears into the kiss.

“I still love you,” Harry whispered, pressing his forehead against Louis’.

“I still love you too,” Louis whispered back, playing gently with the curls at the nape of Harry’s neck.

Harry laughed wetly, pulling Louis into another kiss. “We’re such a mess, Lou.”

“Would you have us any other way?” The other man asked as Harry tucked his face into his neck and pressed tiny kisses just above where Louis’ shoulder and neck meet.

“Not a chance.”

The rest of the day turned into cuddling on the couch and periodically stumbling to the fridge for snacks and endless reruns of Friends on Netflix until one of Harry’s handlers came knocking at the door. “Are you coming to the show?” Harry asked, shoving his feet into a pair of sneakers.

“Do you want me there?” Louis asks, fiddling with his fingers.

“I always want you there,” Harry replies quietly.

“Then yes, I’ll be there. Can I meet you at the Garden though? I need a shower and a change of clothes.” Harry nods, slipping his hands around Louis’ neck and gently tilting his chin upwards so Harry could press a chaste kiss to his lips.

“See you soon, love,” A crimson blush fights its way onto Louis’ face and Harry grins, loving that he can still affect Louis this way. He grabs his bag off the countertop and heads out the door with his handler. He turns quickly before the door shuts, poking his head back through the doorway. “Lou,”

“Yeah?”

“Catch,” Harry tosses his keys at Louis and blows him a kiss. “Lock up when you leave? This way I know you have to come to the venue to give them back.” Harry bites his lip and tries valiantly to look anywhere but at Louis and fails epically. Louis’ face softens and he puts Harry’s keys on the counter and pads over to him, the socks on his feet slapping softly against the wood floor.

“I meant what I said last night. I’m not letting you go again. I’ll be there, after a shower and a change of clothes, I swear.” Louis takes Harry’s face in his hands and kisses him swiftly before literally shoving him out the door.

His handler rolls his eyes when Harry tries and fails to fight the smile off of his face, grinning like a buffoon as they get into the elevator.

The ride to the arena was quiet, with the handler reminding Harry of the next day’s schedule and the upcoming events that he was going to be attending. It wasn’t like Harry was trying not to listen, he just couldn’t focus on the words coming out of his mouth when all of his thoughts were focused on the person coming to his show tonight.

As soon as he got to the arena, he found Kacey and his band hanging out in a green room, relaxing before the madness of getting ready for a show.

Once they were all clued into his plan, they wandered up to the stage, wanting to soundcheck the song. Kacey was grinning madly the whole time, squeezing his shoulder as she walked away after. She was a sucker for romantic gestures and he was fairly certain this would go down in history. God, the internet is going to lose its collective mind.

Louis found them on stage barely done with soundcheck, freshly showered, and in a change of clothes, just like he said he would be.

He hesitates at the edge of the stage, looking somewhat nervous and adorable in a soft sweater, jeans, and Vans. Harry motions him on stage and some of Louis’ nerves melt away as he makes his way out of the wings.

“Hi,” he breathes, pressing a kiss to the corner of Harry’s mouth and depositing his keys in his hand. “Told you I’d be here, you worrywart.” Louis whispers, leaning up to press a kiss to Harry’s temple.

Harry flushes and ducks his head down to kiss Louis’ mouth. “I know, it’s just…”

“It’s a lot.” Louis finishes, his fingers trailing down Harry’s front, dipping his fingers into the pocket on Harry’s hoodie. Harry nods and tangles their fingers together, pulling Louis back to his dressing room, fully intent on getting a cuddle before the show. Once the door was shut firmly behind them, Harry crowds Louis against the door, wrapping his arms around him tight and pressing his face into Louis' neck.

“I was so scared to leave you this morning,” Harry whispers, his breath puffing across Louis’ warm skin and he can feel Louis shudder. “Was afraid if I couldn’t see you, you would just disappear again. ‘s why I gave you my keys like I could force you into coming back to me when I know perfectly well you could have just had them delivered to me as you skipped town.” Harry could feel the neck of his hoodie getting slightly damp and when he pulled back from where he was wrapped around Louis, he noticed that the older man was crying.

“I’m so sorry I did this to you,” Louis shakes out, his hands covering his face as he cries. “I can’t believe I was so stupid and-” Harry grabs his hands and pulls them away from his face, finding the ocean blue eyes he fell in love with stained with tears. There were no words that could help so Harry chose the next best thing.

He tentatively pressed his lips against Louis’ trying to communicate his love through the kiss, threading his fingers into the short brown hair at the nape of Louis’ neck and molding his lips against Louis’. He felt fingers trace his jaw, carefully pushing into his curls and pulling him away from Louis’ lips. A noise of frustration left Harry’s chest involuntarily as Louis pulled him away. “Stop trying to make me feel better, Harry. I don’t deserve it.” Louis’ voice was still thick with tears and he leans his head back against the door, tears streaming from his closed eyes. Harry knows if he tries anything at this point that it will just push Louis farther away and that is literally the last thing he wants so he just takes Louis’s hand and pulls him over to the couch and bundles him into his lap, tucking his head into Louis’ neck.

Harry and Louis just sit on that couch, wrapped up in each other, the bustle of putting on a show is a glorious hurricane of people shouting and equipment moving just outside the door. About an hour to showtime is when Louis finally comes out of his bubble, eyes finally dry and the blue of his irises is still cloudy as if the storm hasn’t completely subsided.

“Hi,” he manages, his voice a little scratchy.

“Hi.”

“I’m really sorry. I feel like I don’t have any right to cry like that, especially considering what I put you through-”

“Lou? Shut up,” Louis shuts his mouth, sufficiently chastened and blushing slightly. “You absolutely have a right to cry and feel any sort of way that you’re feeling. Besides, I feel like it would be a little hypocritical of me to say that you can’t cry over this when I had a complete breakdown last night in front of a couple thousand people.” At that, Louis cracks a smile and leans in to press his lips to Harry’s.

Kissing Louis is never going to get old for Harry. It never feels like all those rom-coms say kissing the person you’re going to spend forever with. It feels peaceful and calm.

Sometimes, when they’ve been apart for too long or had too much to drink or hell, it's been the right temperature in the room or the sun was shining when they woke up, the kisses were like fire, spreading as soon as their lips touched and consuming them.

This, however, is not one of those times. They kiss slowly until someone is knocking on the door of Harry’s dressing room, pulling his attention away from Louis for the first time since Louis arrived at MSG earlier that day. “Yeah?” He calls.

“Hey, it’s time to start getting ready for the show.” Harry’s stylist sticks their head in the door and Harry nods. Louis pouts slightly but gets off of Harry none the less.

“Hey, Mike is gonna take you to a VIP box for tonight, yeah? Unless you want to watch from backstage?” Harry asks, taking the garment bag from his stylist.

“Nah, the VIP box’ll do. Want to watch you in all your glory, love.” With a final kiss, Louis slips out the door, hat on and hood up, disappearing behind the hulking security man.

“He’s a little too good at that,” Harry says with a laugh, turning back to his stylist. “Now, did you get my text from earlier? About swapping around the suits?” The stylist shrugged and looked pleased with himself as Harry opened up the garment bag and smiled. “Perfect.”

Slipping into the suit and warming up with his band took up the last few minutes before he was required to step on stage, the familiar opening to Only Angel lighting up his nerves. This night, in particular, felt like it was passing by in slow motion like the night was trying to engrave itself into Harry’s memory.

Sweet Creature was an entirely different beast from the night before, tears gathering in his eyes for a completely different reason. Standing out on the B stage, Harry felt stripped bare and it was hard to keep his eyes off the box he knows Louis is sitting in, Mike hovering somewhere in the background. The fans caught on, searching in his line of sight for what he was looking for.

Harry silently thanked whatever higher power exists that he remembered to ask for the lights to be completely out in that box. This time the tears weren’t sad but the kind of tears that only appear when you’re completely overwhelmed with emotion. Harry half couldn’t believe that the love of his life had finally made his way back to him.

He blew a small kiss towards the box as the final notes of Sweet Creature rang through the arena and a stagehand handed him his guitar.

“This next song,” Harry stepped back from the mic momentarily to clear his throat. “I wrote this next song in 2015, so if you know the lyrics, please do join in,” The opening bars of If I Could Fly sprang from Harry’s fingers, and the crowd screams, joining in as soon as he began singing. Harry let his eyes drift shut, trusting his fingers to go where they needed to. It was hard not to stare at Louis’ box, especially when Harry had written this song one morning, alone in bed and thousands of miles away from Louis as they still couldn’t be seen together.

_“I can feel your heart inside of mine,”_ The crowd echoed back the reply and Harry opened his eyes. _“I’ve been going out of my mind, know that I’m just wasting time,”_ Harry allowed his eyes to drift to the dark blob in the box. “And I hope that you don’t run from me.” Harry stopped playing, allowing the crowd to scream and shout for a moment before trying to shush them, pulling his finger to his mouth in a silent gesture before leaning into the mic and giving a very teacher-like “Shhhhhh,”

When he realized he wasn’t going to get silence, Harry turned back to the mic. “1…2…3… For your eyes-” Harry let the crowd carry the song, playing along and scanning the crowd, really looking up at them for the first time since he started the song. Little flashlights dotted the arena, creating little spots of light in the darkness. Like a magnet, his eyes found where Louis was sat at the top of the arena, no doubt staring down at him with those soft blue eyes that turn Harry to mush.

He knows he was staring a bit too long and with his ‘Louis face’ on when the fans started screaming again. He tore his eyes away and refocused on the guitar strings and finishing the song.

As he made his way back to the main stage, Harry couldn’t take his mind off the improvised song he had thrown in for tonight. He knew that tonight would be nothing like last night, at least not for the same reasons.

He had Louis.

Everything else could wait.

All their problems could wait another day.

Harry fed off the energy of the crowd for the rest of the show, through Anna and What Makes You Beautiful. As the stage went dark as Sign of the Times ended, he made his way off stage to where he knew Kacey was waiting. “You ready for this?” He asked twisting the cap off a water bottle.

“Are you?” She shot back, raising an impeccable eyebrow.

“I’ve been ready since I met him.” Harry pants, finishing the water.

“Then let’s go sweep him off his feet, yeah?” She shoos him back on stage, looking perfect in her outfit change. He tripped slightly on his way back up, a red blush burning in his cheeks. From the Dining Table felt like a breeze and before he really knew it, Mitch was looking at him expectantly as he picked up his guitar.

Harry adjusted his in-ear and moved his mic stand slightly. “We’re going to do an extra song for you tonight.” Harry can feel the tension in the room ratchet up a few notches, as clearly his losing it at last night's show is common knowledge. “So please make some noise and welcome to the stage miss Kacey Musgraves!” Harry turns slightly to where he knows Kacey is entering from and smiles at her once they make eye contact. She smiles back and waves to the crowd before she pulls him into a hug. She makes her way around him to her spot, just stage right and smiling at the crowd, adjusting her dress almost like she was waving a flag of the rainbow-colored fabric.

“We uh, we’re going to sing one of my personal favorites,” Harry pauses, smirking slightly. “And uh- if you know the words, please do join in with us,” Harry makes one last adjustment to his guitar, looks quickly at his tech to get the all good sign as Sarah starts the song off and the rest of the band quickly joins in.

_“Looks like they made it,_ ” Kacey starts, swaying slightly with the beat. _“Look how far we’ve come my baby,”_ Harry smiles slightly, making amused eye contact with Kacey.

_“We might have took the long way, we knew we’d get there someday,”_ Harry mouthed along, moving his fingers along the fretboard and trying to keep his head cool.

_“They said, ‘I bet, they’ll never make it’, but just look at us holding on,”_ Harry turned quickly, motioning to the tech at the side of the stage to turn the mic up. _“They’re still together, still going strong,”_ At that point, Harry couldn’t help but smile. The lyric adjustments weren’t part of the original plan but Harry sure as hell wasn’t going to complain. It’ll give the internet something to lose its mind over.

_“Still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, still the one I want for life.”_ Harry joined in with the rest of the band. Harry knew he couldn’t turn to Louis now, mostly for physical reasons but also because then everyone would know.

Harry knew Louis was going to kill him or jump him and it wouldn’t be anything in between for pulling a stunt like this.

_“You’re still the one that I love, the only one I dream of, still the one I kiss goodnight,”_ Harry flashed back to the first time he had played this song for Louis. It was late 2013, right in the middle of when he was supposed to be with Kendall. Kendall was a nice girl and they were good friends but nothing was ever going to happen with them. Besides, Kendall was too busy dealing with her unresolved feelings for her own best friend to try anything with Harry.

Harry had just gotten back to London and he was exhausted and all he wanted was to crawl into bed next to Louis and sleep for ages. That had not been in the cards.

“Have a nice time?” Came Louis’s voice from the kitchen. Harry rounded the corner to find Louis perched on the counter, legs swinging back and forth, and a bottle of vodka out on the counter.

“Hi Lou, you didn’t have to wait up.” Harry yawns, walking towards him to kiss him hello.

Louis’s hands stopped him before he could really invade his space. “I said, did you have a nice time?” The venom could only be heard if you knew what to look for and after three years, Harry was well versed in realizing what was an innocent question and what to tread carefully over.

“No, no I didn’t. You know I would have rather been here with you. Kendall is a friend, Louis, you know that.” Harry says quietly, pinning Louis to the counter with his eyes.

“Look chummy enough to me,” Louis mutters darkly and Harry sighs.

“That’s how it's supposed to look, baby. It's supposed to look real.” Harry tests the waters by slowly advancing towards where Louis was sitting, swirling the dregs of what was probably a vodka Redbull at the bottom of his glass. Louis lets him near this time and lets Harry take the glass from his hand and set it on the counter. “You know there is nowhere else I would rather be than right here with you.” Harry tilts Louis’ face up to find his eyes slightly wet. “Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve come back sooner?” Harry whispers, wiping the silent tears from Louis’ cheeks.

“Nothing happened, just missed you.” Harry softened even more and pulled Louis down from the counter and into his chest.

“I’ll always come running home to you, even if you do just miss me.” Louis melted into him and Harry dug his phone out of his back pocket, setting it on the counter after selecting a song. The music filtered out softly and Harry started to sway, pulling Louis along with him. Harry hummed along, holding Louis to his chest and threading a hand into his hair to lightly scratch at Louis’ scalp like Harry knows he loves. “… still the one that I love, the only one I dream of, still the one I kiss goodnight,” Harry sang softly and he could feel Louis slump against him. “You’re the only one for me, Lou.” Harry presses a soft kiss to Louis’ hair as the song ends. He grabs his phone off the kitchen counter and herds a slightly inebriated Louis up the stairs and into bed.

There will be plenty of time for proper hellos in the morning.

Harry snaps back to reality as he takes the second verse. _“Ain’t nothing better, we beat the odds together,”_ Harry lets his eyes shut and memories from his relationship with Louis play like a highlight reel behind his eyelids.

_“I’m glad we didn’t listen, look at what we would be missing,”_ It takes all of Harry’s mental ability not to turn to look at where Louis is sitting, to keep his feet planted where they are.

_“They said,”_

_“They said,”_ Kacey echoes, smiling gently at him over her mic.

_“I’ll bet,”_ Kacey echoes him again, looking supremely pleased with how well their surprise was going. _“They’ll never make it, but just look at us holding on. We’re still together, still going strong,”_ He let a smile slip over his face as the band came in to back up the chorus.

_“You’re still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, still the one I want for life. Still the one that I love, the only one I dream of, you’re still the one I kiss goodnight._ Kacey Musgraves!” Harry yells, leading into a small instrumental break.

“Harry Styles!” Kacey shouts back and Harry grins, dimples popping as he sways more dramatically to the beat.

_“Still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, still the one I want for life. You’re still the one that I love, the only one I dream of, still the one I kiss good night.”_ The rest of the band drops out and suddenly it's just Harry, Kacey, and his guitar.

_“I’m so glad we made it,”_ Harry sings, trying to let the tenderness in his heart show through just a little.

_“Look how far we’ve come my baby,”_ Harry puts everything in him into the last notes as the crowd roars around him. Harry grins and thanks Kacey as she makes her way off stage, smiling wide.

It was like the weight of the world fell off his shoulders as he turns back to the crowd after putting down his guitar. As they made their way through The Chain, Harry felt more energetic than he had in what felt like months so he just let loose.

“New York City, thank you so much! This is our last song of the night,” Harry says as the music to The Chain starts to fade out. Harry starts his typical thank you speech, telling everyone to get home safe and the crowd seems to go absolutely feral when the first few notes of Kiwi hit the air.

Harry joins in with the crazy crowd, shouting along with them and throwing water at the fans, running around the stage, and giving every last drop of energy into the last song of the night.

With one final “Thank you New York!”, Harry ran offstage, eager to get back to Louis. Mitch was right behind him, a steady presence to calm Harry’s slightly frayed nerves. Harry only makes it halfway back to his dressing room to get out of his suit when Louis launches himself at Harry, who stumbles only slightly before gripping Louis’ thighs and righting himself.

“How dare you, first of all,” Louis starts, pressing his face into Harry’s sweaty neck. Harry laughs, loud and bright at the wobble in Louis’ voice. “I can’t believe you did that, you unbelievable sap.”

“Believe it, baby. It just happened in front of a few thousand people and will no doubt be all over the internet in minutes.” Harry whispers into Louis’ ear and blindly makes his way into his dressing room, arms still full of Louis. When Harry eases him back onto his feet, Louis crowds him against the door, face still wedged deeply into Harry’s neck where he is no doubt pressing a bruising kiss to the junction of his neck and shoulder.

“Lou, baby, I’m all sweaty.” Harry pants as Louis moves his assault up his neck.

“Don’t care,” Louis mumbles, as he takes the skin below Harry’s ear between his teeth before soothing the bite with an open-mouthed kiss. “Now stop talking, you just sang a love song to me in front of 20,000 people. I’m trying to say thank you.” Louis mumbles, kissing down Harry’s neck as his fingers pop the button on Harry’s trousers and curl into the hem of Harry’s vest, rucking it up.

“Lou,” Harry whimpered as Louis sank to his knees.

“What did I say about talking, Harold?” Louis asks, biting a trail to the hem of Harry’s pants and Harry let his head fall back against the door with a thump as thin fingers curled into his waistband.

When Louis resurfaces a few minutes later, hair askew, lips red and puffy, and eyes glazed slightly, Harry smiles shyly.

“Think we probably should have gone to dinner first,” Harry pants out, tucking himself back into his pants.

“Then buy me McDonald's on the way back to yours,” Louis says simply as he shrugs and fixes his hair to the best of his abilities.

“I think I can do that.”

“Really? Won’t bankrupt you, superstar?” Louis teases and Harry simply smiles back as he strips out of his stage clothes and into the clothes he left the apartment in this morning, sliding the suit back into the garment bag.

“C’mon now, I’ve got McDonald's to buy.” Harry holds out his hand once he shoulders his bag and slips his hood on. Louis smiles and slips his fingers between Harry’s as he pulls his own hood up. They slip out of the venue largely unnoticed except for Mitch and Sarah who both give imperceptible nods to Harry and small smiles at their entwined hands.

A car was running at the stage door of the venue and they slipped into the backseat, sighing as the door shuts behind them. Mike smiles at him in the rearview mirror and gives him a slight nod as he pulls away into New York traffic.

“Can we stop off at a McDonalds, Mike?” Harry asks, glancing quickly towards Louis, who beams at him.

“Course,” Mike answers, pulling up the address to the nearest one before changing lanes. They both passed their orders and Harry’s credit card onto Mike when he pulls into the drive-thru. Once they all have their orders in hand, Mike pulls out into traffic yet again. Louis has been quiet since they left the venue and even though he now has fries occupying his mouth, it doesn’t wipe the pensive look from his face.

It’s all Harry can do to shove his burger in his mouth instead of asking what’s on Louis’s mind. Louis will tell him when he wants, it won’t do anything but force him farther away if Harry tries to pry it out of Louis. When Mike pulls up in front of Harry’s building, they both hop out and Harry shouts a thank you. The elevator ride up to Harry’s floor is excruciatingly quiet as Louis fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt, his bottom lip between his teeth. Harry quietly leads them down the hallway to his door, digging in his pocket for his keys and unlocking the door.

When Harry drops his bag on his bedroom floor, he turns to find Louis standing nervously in the doorway. Harry sits on his bed, dropping his hands into his lap. “Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” He asks quietly, letting Louis come to him.

“I don’t want to rush this and I feel like I rushed you earlier.” Louis forces out, finding the wood flooring ever so interesting.

“In the dressing room?” Harry questions, genuinely confused.

“Yeah,” Louis meets his gaze for a moment before looking away again.

“I would have told you to stop if I was uncomfortable, Lou. You know that. My safe word hasn’t changed,” he teases lightly, testing the waters.

“I’m serious Harry.” The tone of Louis’ voice left no room for arguing and Harry stood, moving into Louis’ line of sight but not moving to touch him, not yet.

“You know I would have stopped you if I didn’t want you to do that. We were together for 6 years, Louis. We aren’t new to this, okay? You didn’t force me into anything, as a matter of fact, I rather enjoyed myself. Okay?” Harry moves to fold Louis into his arms slowly, giving him plenty of time to back away. When he doesn’t, Harry tucks Louis against his chest, pressing a kiss to his hairline.

“Okay,” Louis’ reply is soft and muffled by the fabric of Harry’s sweatshirt. They let the moment wash over them, standing in the light of the hallway and wrapped up in each other. It dawns on Harry that just over 24 hours ago, their situation was so vastly different.

“I love you,” Harry whispers, moving his hands to cradle Louis’ cheeks.

“I love you too,” Louis whispers back. The light from the hallway throws shadows over Louis' face and it hits Harry in the chest just how beautiful Louis really is. He still looks like the same boy Harry fell in love with all those years ago but time has sharpened the features on his face and it only makes him more and more ethereal. Harry doesn’t miss the questioning look on Louis’ face as he tries to commit this version of Louis’ face to memory. “Do you think we’re rushing back into this?”

Harry shakes his head slightly. “I don’t think there is a playbook for this, love. Do you feel like we’re rushing?” Louis’ eyes fill with tears and Harry grows alarmed. “Fuck, Lou. I’m so sorry-” Harry lets him go, backing away slightly.

“No!” Louis’ voice is loud and Harry stills, more confused than ever. “I just don’t want to rush you into anything. I know I hurt you and I’m gonna hate myself for that every day of the rest of my life but I just love you and now that I have you back, I don’t think I ever want to let you go and I want us to go back to the way we used to be.” Louis rushes out, his hands coming up to grip his hair at his temples. “You’re the love of my fucking life and I don’t deserve you, oh my god.” Louis sinks to the floor, the heels of his palms digging into his eyes.

Harry rushes to where Louis has crumpled onto the floor and tugs him into his chest for the millionth time. “Shhh, Lou, it’s okay love.”

“No, no it’s not.” Louis cries, shaking in Harry’s arms. “Because every time I look at you, I feel like I’m coming home and I don’t deserve you after what I did to you.” Louis hiccups and Harry’s heart breaks for the second time in twenty-four hours because while what had happened between them was absolutely shitty and the worst nine months of Harry’s life, it had done more damage to Louis.

Sweet Louis, who lights up a room with a simple smile and cares more for his loved ones than he probably does about himself. Louis, who is possibly the most selfless person Harry has ever known, even if Louis hurt himself in the process.

Harry doesn’t really know what to say so he just holds Louis through the worst of it, letting him sob into his neck for the second time today.

“I don’t deserve you,” comes a broken whimper from where Louis is buried in Harry’s neck.

“You deserve the universe, Lou,” Harry whispers back, scratching at Louis’ scalp, letting him decide when to resurface. “I don’t know how I got so lucky, I really don’t.”

Something about those words triggers something in Louis and suddenly, his hands are on Harry’s face, pulling him down to kiss him.

This kiss is like one of the millions they’ve shared over the years; love and pure affection poured into every millisecond. Louis shifted, not breaking the kiss as he climbed into Harry’s lap, wrapping his legs around Harry’s waist. Louis shifted closer to Harry, rolling his hips down and moving his kisses down Harry’s neck, kissing and biting a trail down the other side of Harry’s neck from his assault earlier in the night.

“Are you sure, Lou?” Harry asks, trying to control himself just in case Louis backs out. “We don’t have to…” He trails off as Louis sucks a mark near where his neck and shoulder meet.

Louis pulls away and for the first time since they left Madison Square Garden, Louis makes steady eye contact with Harry. “I’m sure. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Take me to bed and make me yours again.”

Harry didn’t need to hear anymore and he gathers Louis up in his arms, pulling himself up and walking blindly to his bed. He gently sets Louis down, laying him out across the plush bedding. Louis’ kisses return to Harry’s lips and Harry pulls away to get his hands between them to pull the hem of Louis’ sweatshirt up, pressing soft kisses to the newly revealed skin as he pulls the top off.

“Every inch of you is still as beautiful as I remember. Still sure?” Harry asks once Louis’ bare chest is revealed, kissing over his ‘It Is What It Is” tattoo and biting a mark over where his heart sits.

“God, Haz, yes.” Louis groaned out, hands winding into Harry’s hair. “Get up here, you giant sap,” Louis laughs out wetly, the last of his tears making their way out.

Harry grins and moves up so his body covers Louis’, kissing him gently and letting Louis pull his own sweatshirt off. “I love you,” Harry croons into Louis’ neck, aligned with him from shoulder to hip, effectively pinning him to the bed.

“I love you too,” Louis rasps as he moves his hips against Harry. “Now, are you gonna make me yours or not?”

“You’ve always been mine,” Harry growls out as he moves down Louis’ body to his hips.

“Harry,” Louis whines out, bucking his hips against the empty air and Harry indulges him, mouthing over where Louis’ arousal is showing through his sweats. Louis tugs gently where his hands are still tangled in Harry’s hair and Harry looks up to see Louis’ head thrown back against the bed, chest heaving, and red flush radiating down his neck. Harry bites small marks into the skin above the waistband of Louis' pants and lets himself get lost in the familiarity of the pale gold of Louis' thighs. Even in the low light, Louis glows from beneath him.

Two orgasms and a few thousand whispered ‘I love you’s’ Harry flops down next to Louis, sated and exhausted from the rollercoaster past two days.

The last thing Harry knows before sleep takes him is that Louis’ fingers are threaded through his.

When they wake in the morning, they’re still linked, still holding onto each other.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the [rebloggable fic post](https://local-troubled-writer.tumblr.com/post/635103121136402432)! If you liked it, please share it!


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